Tomorrow it will be 28 days.
Some would call that a month – I want to be technical. It’s 4 weeks.
It will be one month on January 20, 2014.
One month drug free.
I come out and say this bluntly – it’s as if I walked into a karaoke bar asking to sing “Rehab” by Amy Winehouse and announcing prior to my off kilter notes and ear piercing falsetto: “I am 4 weeks drug free”.
Last night I had a nightmare. I know with my residual conditions of chemical dependence I will experience such things as vivid dreams, sometimes the sweats still, long term problems with pain as well as mental trauma of flashbacks and anxiety. I already had Panic Disorder so I admit I’m a bit blindsided by MORE anxiety. Did I REALLY need more? Could we not have left that part out?
I am a 34 year old mother. My blog originally started as one single post. It was my journey – my pathway to freedom from my own personal prison of drug addiction. It was a memoir of “how” “why” – Facebook posts I copied and pasted: a chronicle of sorts. To be honest, I never expected anybody to read that fully – it is beautiful and kind genuine hearts that have commented to me about how they read the entire post – which, if printed, is actually 14 pages.
New blog violation #1: keep it short.
The nightmare was that I was presented two pills – my original drugs that got me dependent. In the dream I held those pills close and thought about it – yes, or no? I remember glaring into the deep, white speckles of Percocet in front of me and popping them into my mouth – and swallowing.
Immediately I was gagging, washing my mouth out, and telling myself “NO! How DARE you?!”
I woke up shortly thereafter in a sweat. I woke up afraid – praising the Lord that it was not real. I had really woken up drug free (and it was snowing for the first time this season – a beautiful surprise from the hands of the Heavens). It made me feel thankful for the life I am currently living and that each day that goes by – is such a huge milestone.
Fear, to me, is a side effect of hidden truths.
When I was younger – I was scared of snakes. My parents could never figured it out – as I never had any real confrontations with snakes. Why was it that whenever one popped up on the back porch – I would wince, begin screaming, have the urge to vomit, and run. I still do this as an adult.
The truth behind it was that I’ve always had nightmares of snakes eating me (I hear some resounding laughter) – but no really. The truth was that I have an inner fear I had not explained to anybody – I am fearful I will die in a ninja like war with a giant snake in the desert. It’s the same with my fear of elevators (and falling), and why I’m claustrophobic (I’ll suffocate).
It’s when I decided to really examine my fears that I discovered the truth behind how to overcome addiction – and for that matter, begin to deal with my other phobias that plague me and hold me back from doing simple things like walking through the grass at night.
I could not very well do it without owning up to the realization that these things had taken over my life.
How could I overcome such soulful madness, physical damnation, the inner twisting of my brain and organs – without truly owning up to what the deep root of the problem really was?
The fear of the unknown – the path I had never traveled down – is what prevented me from being able to originally recognize the problem. It was an achievement in itself that I shut the door on fear and opened the door to the truth. I let in those consequences of my actions and I took them head on. I knew there would be pain. I knew there would be suffering.
I also knew there would never be an open path to freedom from this monster if I did not behold the inner truth . Without that acknowledgement I would continue to live with that suppression of the soul that continuously played like a broken record to my brain “you cannot do it – you will continue to live in silence.”
Today I am no longer quiet. The silence is long gone – my fear of the unknown is a path I have already begun to journey down and now have reached the exit sign at Day 28.
I am choosing to stay on this path – this often difficult and winding road with such ups and downs – curves that could easily throw me off the cliff. Now that my truth is exposed the peace and catharsis comes in truly living the experience and learning a lesson – a lesson in which I plan to continue to share and hope to inspire people that live with their own fears of the truths that could potentially bring them onto the road home.
There’s no map for this. There’s no way to completely guarantee that everyone who catalysts themselves into the universe of recovery from whatever battle they are facing will truly succeed.
The success begins with telling the truth. It sounds so simple – like a history lesson on Pinnochio or George Washington.
Do not be afraid of admitting you are fearful, scared, and terrified of your own truths.
Remember – fear is merely a side effect of knowing you have them hidden secretly in the catacombs of your soul.
Freeing those truths will free your mind of fear and you shall face it head on – and with that, you have nothing to fear – be proud you have begun that walk up such a difficult mountain – maintaining hope, love, and faith.
You can get there – and there’s many hands to hold along the way. You are not alone.
Cheers to Day 28.
(and no, I would rather not invest in a pet snake, but thank you for asking)