Sometimes A Loss is a Win

Ah, yes – I certainly remember that time I was so close to grasping something I worked so hard for – and I failed.

I hate using that word “failed”.

In every sense of the word it sounds like I did it on purpose, but I did not.

This young lady here writing, age 34, was raised a hard core Catholic. I went to church every Sunday, got confirmed, got my communion. I looked forward to the religious education classes, the friends I met through church gatherings …

Here in my place as a young lady raised on Catholic values I found myself at the epitome of all sins (well, besides “thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s wife” (I am not the type) – I was in the process of a divorce.

Back in December of 2010, my  ex husband filed for divorce after 4 years of marriage, 2 children together, and 11 years total of relationship. My heart was devastated. I knew deeply that I had tried. I do not say “we” because he broke that sacred vow of “til death do us part” .  I wanted to keep up with the effort. I attempted to get him into counseling with me. We sat down on many occasions wondering – how can we pull through this?

No wait, I was the only one asking this question. He had already given up.

I could have wallowed in this deep hole of self pity. This certainly was not the way I envisioned things.  I could have locked myself in a confessional and held myself hostage until things magically appeared repaired.

Instead, I knew I had to learn from this experience and move on. “So close, no cigar” – it’s not like I was competing for a medal at a Swim Meet or trying to get my hands on that sweet television at that Black Friday sale …

My marriage was gone.

I spent many a nights wondering how I would repair my life – obviously it was broken. I felt I had disappointed even the closest around me and had become the black sheep of the family: the doom of Catholicism.

On April 14, 2012 I met an amazing man. I walked into a restaurant and there he was – eyes glowing as I made my way to the table for a chat. We spoke of many things and our eyes continued to cross as if to say we felt we always knew each other. We had a lot in common. Through our conversations that followed in the days that came we found so much in common. In front of me was a sexy, kind, forgiving, patient, understanding, gracious man who wanted nothing more in the world than to just make me happy.

Where had he been all my life? I did not remember love being like this. It always felt like a selfish process before – full of yelling, questions, difficulties over the simplest things like “why are you watching American Idol when we could be watching CNN?”

I realized at this time that I had not failed anything – that the loss of my marriage previously was actually a true win.

God could have scorned me for walking away from that sacred value (although as I write this I have to remind myself that I wasn’t the one who walked away) – instead, I was presented with the most amazing of gifts: a second chance, the truest of love, my Prince Charming I had always dreamed of when I was playing with Ken and Barbie in their little dream house.

Someday that will be me.

Today – it is me. We have a child together. Our sweet Jonah joins his older siblings. Between us, we have 6 children.

“Here’s the story … of a man named …”

No. I won’t do that. It is funny to think of it that way though. In those nights of deepest sorrow over the way I felt I had done everything wrong, that I was not beautiful, that everyone felt I was scorned for life after going against each of the values that were ever set for me ….

Yet, here I am. Winning. I am with a man who truly and honestly gives me everything both emotionally and in gifts hidden underneath my pillow – that I feel I’ve always deserved. I am wonderfully happy. The love between us is blissful. I had never felt such undying love and affection until I met this man – until the day I felt his kiss upon my brow when I was sick in the hospital on the day that was supposed to be simply our second date – and he was by my side.

He embraces everything good and bad about me – he takes my most imperfect of qualities and turns them into these mountains of light. He is teaching me that I am beautiful – and for me, given my issues of esteem, that is a very giant milestone in my world of soulful darkness.

Sometimes losing is winning.

I may have lost a marriage (“you’re a sinner”) – but I won at finding true love – and as I turn to kiss my husband while I write this article, I stop and remember that embracing hardships takes faith. While my history as a Catholic girl may shun me for being divorced – my faith is undying in that the Lord has accepted the ability to move forward – that love can always be found (especially if you’re not looking) – and that belief in yourself, miracles, and that history does NOT always repeat itself – often takes those deepest of losses – and instead of sorrow and anger – a trip to Hell – hands you a Gold medal.

Here’s mine:

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15 comments

  1. I’m so glad you found happiness 🙂 Sometimes our darkest moments turn out to be our brightest memories because they lead us to where we are truly supposed to be! My bad times created who I am today, so even though I regret some of those moments, I am thankful God placed obstacles in my way so the triumphs are THAT much sweeter!

    Thanks for sharing, too, my sister just went through a rough divorce and I’ve seen how difficult it is to discuss with others because of preconceived notions (especially in the catholic-realm).

    1. Aw thank you sweetheart, for reading and for always stopping by and liking my posts and writing such nice comments. If your sister ever needs someone to talk to please pass along my email address. I’m always here! 🙂

  2. Even the Orthodox Church, strict as it is and against divorce as it is, allows second marriages. This to me means we believe in forgiveness… second chances. It is obvious you are remorseful at the loss of your first marriage. I think that’s all God would want from you…and to now let it go. Live in the joy you have been given. Congratulations on finding someone special!!

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