poems

Halfway Haiku: A New Challenge

bannerfans_10466599

I was inspired today while searching through Twitter. I saw somebody that I follow trending #haiku and asking people to submit their own, to have fun with it, to be creative. This sparked my own creative flow and I decided: why not try something different?

Here’s a new challenge I’m presenting myself with – I would love participants. Even if I end up with no participants – at least I can show a different side of my writing and take this challenge to a new level with myself. I have always been a poet but this blog has been mostly rantings, stories, writings, musings – long, novel thoughts. I have used it as an outlet from one battle to another.

From now on, every Wednesday, I am going to do what’s called the Halfway Haiku Challenge – I am going to come up with a new haiku poem, or poems, ¬†just to think outside the box. It can be about anything – whatever comes to mind.

The start date is today – Wednesday, February 26, 2014. Each week I will post again on that Wednesday – you can link to the post or you can post within the comments.

For those not familiar with haikus – here’s a definition.

To start, here are a few I wrote this morning with regards to responding to the ones on Twitter.

Let the thinking outside of my box and comfort zone begin ūüôā Here are several examples.

___________________________

(FOR MY HUSBAND)

Gravity of love

Floating on the bliss of you

Wrapped in my shadow.

____________________________

(WITH REGARDS TO ALMOST DYING ON 2/17/14)

So close to dying

Lights surround my breathing soul

Yet still I survive.

___________________________

Winter stars smile bright

Asking me to wish on them

I whisper my prayers.

____________________________

(FOR MY GHOST ADVENTURES IDOL ZAK BAGANS)

Spirits dwell within.

Voices heard he lets speak out.

Giving life to death.

___________________________

I hope I can get a few people on board to take the challenge. I would love to read your poetry – and see it spread from one eye and soul to another. That’s one great way to draw inspiration – and to be inspired.

Advertisements

Embracing Me: Uniquely Strange

images-1

I consider myself uniquely strange.

Some wonder if my total honesty – is a quirky fault.

Quirky – defined.

I appreciate my faults – as a matter of fact, I do not believe that the term “worst quality” should even exist.

It does not to me.

I am brutally transparent. I believe in being truthful – exposing myself ¬†in ways emotionally that may subject me to negativity in return – despite my intentions ¬†being positive and empowering. The revealing of details of my darkest secrets often gets me “looks” “stares” “wow – really?”

It is a top priority in my book of knowledge to love myself – otherwise, I do not believe I can fully embrace loving others. I cannot love myself completely if I hide unknown shortcomings. I would rather people understand me fully the way that I understand myself – otherwise, I believe I would be living untruthfully. I ¬†believe living dishonestly is a burden on one’s soul that perpetuates the inability to have any esteem.

I examine myself daily. I dig into my deepest tombs of feelings and pull from it the imperfections.

While I concentrate on the things that are wonderful about me, my kindness that I exude to the world that others find outstanding, fun, and graceful – I find more intention in exposing how being lonely, fearful, terrified of the truths you may not want to own up to (and then you do) – can lead to empowerment, inspiration, and quality of life.

This is where I find myself strange – positively but also to a fault. It seems to me in the world today – people want to constantly fill their social networking feeds, blogs, articles, conversations – with the “oh I’m so happy” … “Oh I have SUCH exciting news” … “My world is so awesome!” …

I can’t.

At least not constantly. Maybe the fault here is I wish, at times, I could be more “YAY” …

I live in a world of fulfillment: three beautiful children, a wonderful husband, a house, two cars, a backyard, a supportive family … ¬†I am truthfully blessed. It used to be that I would post continuously to my followers about the greatness of living a blessed life until I found myself on a beaten path of failure due to my own actions. I felt slighted and angry at first – I cried the “why me?” and threw my fists in the air – claiming “I do not deserve this.”

Then I turned around and decided to transparently apply my struggles into other people’s minds – “let them see”, I said. I wanted other people to understand that IT IS OKAY to find out that YOU ARE NOT PERFECT. It is okay to let the world know you are struggling, you need a shoulder – that you feel you are falling apart inside and have no clue where to turn.

Living with both happiness and sadness is a delicate balance. I choose to remember that often times a person can appear wonderful and amazing on the outside but on the inside they are torn to pieces – hiding from this because putting it out there for all to see “well, people might think I’m strange.” (insert the word quirky – daily prompt that inspired this post).

I do not care if people unfollow me, defriend me, tell me to hush – and to concentrate on the positives. I find that in turning my imperfections into positives – it becomes an educational and empowering process – even if others do not want to watch or listen.

I love myself despite a battle that could have sent me over the edge -the cliff of never being able to appreciate myself again. ¬†You can define me in all medical terms, you can say I fit the bill of a specific category of people that the census recognizes – or the dictionary explains. ¬†I choose to, instead, say I am just me, you like it or you do not, you embrace my uniquely strange honesty, or you don’t. You either read into me, read my blogs, understand my intentions – or you don’t.

The most important person who does all of the above for me – is me.

It may be quirky, something people hate, love …

I find it to be both my closest to perfect and most imperfect quality.

By the way – I do not believe in absolute perfection. If I did, then I would suddenly believe in the term “worst quality”.

Before Giving Up: Defining Hope

imgres

“Immortality

And glorious nonsense

A sunburst in my brain

And plans of things to come”

Hope by Damien Echols

(Get a copy of his book Life After Death)

There were many moments, for all who have ever questioned the squander of the deepest pits of my soul, that I wanted to give up. I know some of you who know my story – whether you watched with your eyes gaping open while I bookmarked the hours of physical and emotional nausea on Facebook, or if you happened to stumble upon my blog by accident and read the novelesque posting of what exactly my battle is – how did you not give up?

As evidenced through my chronicle of hardships and dealings – I am not perfect. I could stand here and tell you that the entire experience and what I continue to battle – is actually easy.

I would then become something I have never once been – a liar.

Truthfully РI grieve daily. There are still moments I feel like it will never end  Рthat the future, my dreams of complete recovery both mentally and physically, is nearly impossible.

I stopped counting my hours and days quite a bit ago. My Facebook rantings have gone from hour by hour to nearly minimal. It is not just that I am blogging them instead – it is certainly not because I decided to stop revealing such transparent details to an overwhelming amount of public supporters by putting words into the “Update your Status” bar – it is because I am now giving myself time to collect, understand, and hope.

Sure, you can look at the dictionary if you would like – hope defined.

Still yet – if you would really care to understand the inner patience it takes to feel death at your door, to feel your soul twisted into a ball of pain so indescribable (you can try to define me too, I say to the dictionary, but you cannot) – it comes from my own definition of hope.

I quoted the musing above by an inspiration I actually carried with me through this battle – Damien Echols.

His battle – different than my own (far different, and with all due respect, I am not comparing) – still gets me to dig deeper. I can close my eyes and feel those flashbacks welling up – and I know now still that I suffer with mental trauma that may be with me for years – depression can still weigh me down if I am not careful. While allowing myself to reflect on my journey is key to recovery – suffering from it requires me to search within myself to find the pathway home.

Allow me to define for you what kept my heart, my diversity of soul collecting emotions, and my spirit from not giving up – it was hope. Hope, as defined by your author here Jenn, is:

The knowledge, understanding, and willingness to embrace that you shall face hardship Рcoupled with the courage to choose a pathway into the future that serves your soul the happiness  it deserves Рand while experiencing the stop at Just Let Me Give Up Avenue Рthe reflection of peace that exists in front of you keeps you going on the road to finding spiritual freedom. Hope is allowing yourself to believe that you WILL prevail.

Hope does not require permission. It requires belief in its existence – and the persistence to never let go of your soul – even at its weakest. And in my moments that I know will surely come where I continue to shoot down these darkest demons – I will remember – I never gave up before.

Why do it now?

Let YOUR hope guide you (oh this could be my bumper sticker, no?) – never give up – define hope to yourself – then thrive on it, ¬†continue to seek your revelation, your peace, your recovery, your answer – whatever it is you are waiting for – and when you are considering just letting it go – “because it’s too hard” – “it’s too painful” – “I have nothing left” – keep going on You Will Win This Fight street – because it is no dead end.

Trust me, I know.